Soulmate – as i see

u = me

There is something about this term which has always intrigued me. It is definitely a very romantic and dramatic kind of a term, used generally to denote intimate relationships. The subjectivity of the term makes it almost impossible to develop any specific definition of the term. Having said that the term is widely used in popular literature and also by people to express their love.

Like any other human I too have my share of beautiful intimate relations. But never could I figure out where to fit in the term ‘soulmate’.

For some reason I have been in a mode of introspection since past couple of days.  Today, also happens to be my mom’s 60th birthday. All of these lead me to a whole gamut of thoughts. Two very striking instances of my early childhood mildly surfaced over my anxious mind.

#1 Very faint visuals of this incidence exist in my mind. I must not be more than 10.  Must be in my 3rd or 4th grade. My schedule of those days was – leave for school in the school rickshaw at around 11 and to return at half past 5 in the evening. Now, it had so happened that I was so very used to the fact that whenever I reach home back, my mom has to be there to greet me. To an extent that I had made it compulsory for her. Even if she had some work some errands to run, she had to be at home when I arrive. I would not buy any damn reason for her to be not there when I come back home. She always obliged; except once.

One fine day, as I reach home, I didn’t see her at home. Must have been some unmanageable work, but that didn’t concern me. Not having her to greet me was enough to make me go in an outburst. I shouted,  I cried like mad, I wouldn’t listen to my ba, did not drink my evening ka milk(a routine I loved)…. I ran around the whole house…threw every arranged thing awry…cushions, diaries, spoons…whatever I could lay my hands on I just threw all of it around. Nothing could contain me.(mind you I was a pretty calm and shy kind of a kid. Not the short tempered naughty one, so this wasn’t any ways near to my normal behaviour) I would not even take out my shoes with her not around. At the end of my outburst when all my energy was drained I climbed atop a cabinet. The cabinet was in front of our apartment door. I could see whoever entered, but the person entering would have to strain his/her neck to see atop. Inshort that was my hide out. And I sat there waiting for my mom to come and search for me. Wanting her to go through that wait to see me. I kept crying.

All of this lasted for about an hour; that is when my mom returned home. She immediately inquired about me; ba already gives her a gist of all that had happened. She finds me. I get angry at her and cry a lot. She promises to never do this again. As far as I remember or until it mattered to me, this never occurred again.

#2 This is a few years later. I must be in my teen. The early teen period. By now I has started going to school on my bicycle. The schedule was same. I left home every day at 11.15am. I was a bit grown up now. I could go and come on my own; is what I had started believing. In those days going to school was the only routine pursuit, and I had come to a stage when I managed the logistics of it on my own. However there was this new compulsory thing that had developed.

Our block was at the end of the entire compound of the society.  From the front balcony of our apartment, the entire compound and the gates of the society were visible. Now everyday as I leave on my bicycle, it was mandatory for my mom to stand in the balcony and wave at me until I go out-of-her sight. I used to literally check it many a times by coming back to see if she’s still standing there. So she had to stand in the balcony 3-4 minutes even after I am out-of-sight.

I remember that once or twice it so happened that I saw her turn back while I was crossing the gates. That sight of – seeing her back when the ‘grown up’ me was leaving on his own for his pursuit- was something I could not handle. That visual stayed with me the whole day and for such a lame reason  I did not concentrate on my classes and remained out-of-mood. As I reached home I shared this with my mom. She tried to explain but I was not to listen. I did not want to buy any of her argument. All she can do was to agree, and she did. And as long as it mattered, I don’t remember this happening barring this one of two times.

She was a mother. I do not know how she took this irrationality and possessiveness and ego of her child. But I can speak for myself. I loved this element of the relation. Today it seems laughable, irrational, childish, stubborn etc. But then that is what connected us. Today, when I am and independent adult, yet she would be at peace only when she knows I have had my meals and that I am doing fine. But the fact remains that she was a MOTHER. And I knew it and so I would put all the mandatory measures to express my feelings for her.

Family remains your circle of  life till a certain age and time. Its like every bird has to fly from the nest. Not necessarily in geographical connotation but in psychological connotation. As one grows the pursuits start becoming much more complex. It is no more just going to school. A lot of economic, academic, professional and emotional pursuits occupy our lives. Amidst these we meet a lot of people. Some of them with whom we get close – we call them friends, some of them with whom we get personal – we call them best friends, to one we make commitment – we call them husband or wife and so on and so forth.

I am going through the same cycle. I have friends, colleagues, acquaintances, peers, loved ones, best friends so on and so forth. Each one having its own distinct space.

After all the introspection I realised something which I was totally unaware of.  I realised that somewhere I am still the same. The laughable, irrational, childish, emotional  and stubborn kid does come alive somewhere.

Inspite of that person not being my mother, I still put in weird expectations, mandatoriness and super irrational behaviour. We all do it with someone or may be with a few people where the irrational us manifests. Amidst the maddening clutter and tons of people that we come across it is with that one or few that we become childish.  Don’t know whether this holds true for all, but for me it surely does.

Any relation which is beyond mere sensory pleasures, you can call them your soulmate. The  example of mother justifies that, though I am possessive about her; the relation is not for sensory pleasures. It is that and beyond that.

And that person, who becomes my mother and makes me a kid and vice versa; that person who  I  bump into when I am not searching is the one I would like to call my SOULMATE.

Esoterica : One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

Life, a Traffic Jam.

We all have certain understanding or beliefs about LIFE. Our own Philosophies. The basis of our choice making. I have mine. Here is my take on LIFE.

Definition : The duration between two accidents, namely birth and death.

Do’s : Try and enrich the duration. I get my kicks from taking chances. Nothings really wrong.

Dont’s : Never try to secure the duration.

The Analogy :

One fine evening you heading home from work, having thought of reaching there in 20 minutes.  You end up in a traffic jam. Now consider this incident(accident) of you getting stuck in the jam as your BIRTH. The moment the Traffic gets cleared, lets consider that moment as DEATH. In between these two, you have life in your hands. Amidst the traffic, the chaos , the noise you got LIFE. The two immediate choices that one has are 1 – Keep waiting for the traffic jam to get clear and 2 – Start doing things that would make you forget that you are waiting.

Those who subscribe to choice 1 i.e those who wait for the traffic jam to get clear, this is what happens to them :

• Wait in itself is excruciating.
• These people end up being impatient.
• They crib about their current state. They worry about being late.
• They get frustrated with these unplanned thing happening to them.
• They complain.
• Each minute seems too long.
• They are bored.
• They think they are alone.
• They think they are missing out on something while they are stuck.
• At most what they will do is ‘honk’. They think that’s all they can do.
• A few ‘intelligent’ ones would curse the unknown.
• The  only thing that matters about this duration to them is “when will this end?”
• when the traffic gets cleared and the movement starts again (death) they look at the watch, curse, honk and depart (exactly in that order!!!)

Now, lets look at what happens to the ones who choose the Second way, the other way, which is to start doing things that would make them forget that they are waiting.

• Their first exclamation “Wow! what a jam!!! 🙂 “
• They will look around, observe the surroundings.
• Based on their disposition they would involve themselves in some act. As in some one would increase the volume of stereo and enjoy the music. Someone like me would make a few calls and enjoy the chat. Someone might find an interesting face around to look at and fantasize. Someone might just close his/her eyes and day dream.  Some enterprising one might get out of the vehicle and involve him/herself in clearing the jam. Some chatter bug might just strike a conversation with the one besides him.
• They keep smiling.
• They are enjoying.
• They are so relaxed.
• They just never realise and by the time the traffic is cleared and the movement starts again(death); they look at the watch, smile, set their radio station and leave!
• For them it was never about minutes, the entire duration was just one moment!

This is exactly what happens with LIFE. If you consider Life as a ‘duration’ then all your actions will be focused on securing that duration. The time that has gone can never come back and the time that is yet to come can never be secured, and while worrying about yesterday and tomorrow one forgets that TODAY exists. This inturn would lead to frustration, anxiety, insecurity and fear. And if you consider Life as an opportunity to ‘do things that you would want to’ than all your thoughts and actions will be focused on enriching every moment. Life as a whole would become one single moment.

As simple as that.

Just Live.

“I believe that if you are constantly doing what you are doing just because you are told to do or because of your fear of tomorrow or because of commitments and responsibilities you would have truly lost the whole purpose of being alive.” ~ RGV

PS : I belong to the second way, the other way of doing things. However I do find myself frustrated at times, but I manage to drag myself back. I enjoy my indulgences and derive my kicks from taking wild chances.

The Two ends of a relation – A Passing Thought

Why do i behave so differently while receiving and while giving of the same thing ?!?
Why? I fail to understand this behaviour of mine. When I receive something – could be a thing or an emotion – from someone I tend to take him/her for granted. On the other hand when I am the giver I desire the receiver to NOT take me for granted; I desire him/her to consider my ‘giving’ special. I desire acknowledgments, I desire a special response.

Not that I am a cold receiver; but it’s definitely not the way while I am the giver.

Let me try and interpret this for myself.

Hypothesis 1 : “I give, because I ‘love’; while I receive, because I am being ‘loved’ ”

There is a fundamental difference in loving and being loved. The former is a process with active involvement while the latter is a passive act. For example, say its your birthday and I wish to give you a gift. So I will think of different gifting ideas, will search for those things, might also put in my own art/craft skills to make what I want to give you.  I will be thinking about it night and day, visualizing your expressions on receiving and similar other thoughts would occupy me.  Now, suppose I am in receipt of some such ‘gift’ on my birthday; I just can’t know or understand the entire process that the giver might have gone through. At best I can just receive.

Now, within a relationship, it becomes important that both involved should play both the roles. If my giving you, promts you to give me back, and so on and so forth than the dichotomy would cease. This continous shifting role play makes the relationship so very exciting and I think there would be a stage when one doesn’t realise that whether one is giving or receiving!!!!!That experience is what I understand as BLISS!

Hypothesis 2 : ” I give, because of uncertainty & fear while I receive because some one is uncertain & insecure for me”

Here also, the fear (of losing) or uncertainty of relation makes the giver much more alert and active and involved than the receiver. The receiver by no means can match the degree of intensity of the givers emotions. For example, say things are strained between you and me for some emotional reasons. Its just not going well since some time. But I do not wish to let you go. So I put in efforts, think of ideas to excite you by expressing in a non-verbal fashion, by planning a surprise date full of special things etc. Now, if I am receiving this I may or may not be so excited as the one who is giving this moment to me.

This kind of exchange, I believe would lead to ‘reciprocity’. A relationship wherein I would just reciprocate to the opposite persons action. I react because I do not wish to be labelled as insensitive or insipid. Such equations are what I term as being ‘practical’ or ‘pragmatic’.

Hypothesis 3 : “I give, out of some  formality, and I receive, because of a prescribed social rule”

Not much to say here.  The most ideal example would be a wedding reception. But than I do subscribe to it as this is what gives me my social standing.

These three Hypothesis tells me the probable causes for my behavior. To an extent they answer the question with which I started off  “Why do i behave so differently while receiving and while giving of the same thing ?!?” At the end of it, I believe that the dichotomy is my nature. (I don’t think I am the only such being, maybe all are alike)

Depending on my interpretation of a particular relation (which are highly distinctive) I  subscribe to either of the above mentioned hypothesis. I must also understand that the three hypothesis are not mutually exclusive – all three might be working in a single relation at the same time.

 And depending on the other persons interpretation either of the following experience awaits……

Bliss…Pragmatics… Formality…awaits!