Why GOD exists? ~ an atheists anthropological narration.

On the day of ‘Janmashtmi’ ~ the day celebrated by Hindus all around as Lord Krishna’s birthday; I find myself occupied by thoughts that bring me here. On this auspicious day Devotees express their love for Lord Krishna in a manner as varied and as weird as it can get. From luxurious fasts to mindless gambling; from joining mad rush at midnight at Krishna temples to touch the symbolic ‘cradle’ to taking an extended weekend off from work. Faith manifests itself in myriad forms.

Over last 5000-6000 years of human civilization the GODS have changed with changing times. Earlier, during the pre-historic times, during the period when humans were wanderers like animals there were no GODS. The basis of life was survival and not significance. Gradually with passage of time ‘culture’ started building up. ‘Culture’ is what a human society conceives as its values of significance for that period of time and for that geographical region. Families, Small colonies, housing and  more importantly agriculture showed up first. During this era the humans started realising their dependence on nature. Rains, soil, rivers, winds, fire etc. But they never could understand the methodology to control these elements. And hence the concept of ‘worship’ came into existence. What humans can’t control they either worship it or forsake it depending on their need at that point of time. If the uncontrollable element is needed than worship it and if it can be tamed or could be done away with, than gladly forsake it. During this times the elements of nature like Trees, Rivers, Winds, Rains, Forests, Sun, animals etc. were worshiped.

This quality of human nature led to evolution of culture and new concepts of property, irrigation technologies, animal husbandry and eventually trading and economics. And a new element called WEALTH came into existence. Across all times, most human race has been lazy intellectually; and they never put in efforts to understand and meditate upon any happening. And so understandable and controllable man-made concepts start becoming in-comprehensible and intriguing and uncontrollable. Same happened with the so-called evolved human race. The elements of wealth, property, technology etc. that came into existence to reduce their dependence actually made them more dependent. The human race became less dependent on older elements of nature and became more dependent on newer elements of economics (the function of which was to make them independent in the first place!!) And this obviously needed new sets of GOD’s.

It is important to note that by this time ‘language’ had developed and with it the never ending human imagination.  This led to creation of stories and legends of Great Men and Women, which we today refer to as mythology. So came Laxmi, Saraswati, Durga, Brahma, Vishnu, Mahesh etc. With trade, economics and human population flourishing the conflicts of human race also increased manifold. Earlier  only physical strength was the medium and antidote for conflicts; but now with human imagination flying physical strength no longer was mighty enough. Something more mightier had come into force. And that was MORALS. Morals are guidelines created by a society/culture to get desired behavior from a large section of people. Aristocracy and morals came in almost at the same time. The people who weren’t intellectually lazy realised the need for dependence of the human race and so they utilised the power of language and imagination to create stories of GODS that preached moral values. Those intellectually powerful people were Kings and Aristocrats and rest all were mere subjects.

With passing time people realised that moral values ain’t holding true always. Even after subscribing to moral values they are not able to experience happiness. Be content with what you have, do not be greedy, do not look at others property, love your spouse, be obedient to elders, kindness, generosity, patriotism and many more such morals were on the verge of destruction. The aristocrats  realised it and so they had to come up with a sustainable format for allowing to maintain and manage morals. This led to the inception of the concept of ‘organised religion’. An aristocrat backed by a Religion can control the subjects in a much smoother fashion. The intellectually lazy subjects fell into the trap and diverted energies into the reciting of hymns and carrying out of religious rituals while the Intellectuals enjoyed being in control. With this another power center came into existence. A natural corollary of fostering Organised religion – the powerful religious leaders came into existence. With this came the era of Religion and ‘Bhakti’ as often referred in Indian history. Language and Literature and education all laced with the thoughts and concepts of religion- wherein it was talked about the world being created by GOD and GOD being the ‘All MIGHTY’. And so naturally the caretakers of ‘All MIGHTY’ viz. the Priests and Popes and Sadhus became more and more powerful. This era saw the beginning of worship of a ‘living human’ be it in the form of a Yogi or a Sadhu or a Priest or a Pope.

With passage of time Aristocracy lost its power to Religion. Religion could tweak Morals as per the needs of different times, and human race had already subscribed to Religious Morals. And so gradually KINGS died and Temples and Shrines took over. But Religion was not capable of managing peoples aspiration for wealth and ‘good life’ and so a new order, a new force was required. Society now had Haves and Have nots. People with wealth and property and People devoid of wealth and property. Conflicts arose. But religion kept them at bay. Growing trade led to the need of an entity which would uphold religion and also manage the arising conflicts. This led to invention of Democracy. The formation of GOVERNMENT. A body whose function is to take care of ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’ both and yet can never go above religion. Basically a care taker. By now this element has also become a force that wants to control rather than take care. And a totally new dynamic is formed. Political leaders and Preachers of Democracy became New GODs. World got Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and likes. This led the seed of the modern human society as we see it today. There is Government, there is Organised religion, there are Haves and there are Have nots. The four segments of the modern Human Race.

During this modern time, both human population and technological advancement are growing manifold. Globalisation and Internet have created a mixture of cultures. We have in our belief system our database of GODS and along with it modern education and globlisation are subjecting us to different stories and life styles. We earlier used to celebrate our GOD’s birthday with fast, but new western culture tells us that celebration has to be luxurious; and so came in Luxury fasts. The way they are done now. Where you have tons of options of eating even during fasts. The concept of introspection and meditation got transgressed into noise, luxury and show off. And this takes us to the brand new element of this modern era, which the human race is dependent on  FAME. After Nature, Wealth, Morals, Religious Gurus, Political leaders it is the era of CELEBRITY. In every possible field FAME is what the human race is trying to achieve. Hence Capitalism, Glamour, Fashion, Sexuality, modern Spirituality are the forces that rule the world. A new set of GOD’s which include the highest achievers of each of his forces are into existence. Each one has his/her own GOD. A Bill Clinton or a Dhirubhai Ambani for some; An Amitabh Bachchan or Shakira for some; An Armani or Versace for some; a Michael Jackson or a Lata Mangeshkar for few while a Osho or an Amma for others.

Religion is still sustaining. It has included FAME and CELEBRITY craving in its constitution in an implicit manner. Religion accepts charity, philanthropy, religious investments and donations as neutralizers for some other sins that you may  incur. The problem that is created is that under this arrangement only ‘haves’ of the society can get rid of their sins. What about those who cannot afford charity or philanthropy?? For the first time since its inception Religion is increasingly becoming distant from the ‘have nots’ of the society. What the ‘haves’ can control ‘have nots’ cant. And so the ‘have nots’ need an element which  they can worship inorder to express their dependence. This seems to be calling for a new order; a new set of GOD’s.

If at all I have to forecast. The answer to this last question will define the next age of human race. If I am correct than the signals are already showing up of this new element. An offshoot of Organised Religion – It is Religious extremism. And mind you the four segments of human race viz. The government, The Religion, The Haves and The Have nots they all are so intricately intertwined that  they all will together create a new set of GOD’s. This new GOD could be anybody from an Osama to a lesser known Wangari Mathai (noble laureate environmentalist)

From merely being an un-understandable element of dependency to being a complex caricature of Morals and lifestyle dependence the GOD has constantly changed. But the fact is GOD will always remain. Earlier human race was based on the value of ‘survival’ but now it is thriving on the value of ‘significance’. And so instead of being grateful or loving towards GOD;  we now Fear GOD.

Whatever we do or aspire to do is to feel significant. We study to give us a label, we choose a university which has some brand value, we wear clothes that says things about our status and attitudes, we follow religions that benefit us, we marry the one whom we can claim as our property, we build homes, businesses, relations …every damn endeavour is to feel significant. The fight for survival ends with life. But the craving for significance have made us believe that our ‘properties’ out live us. The more assets (both material and relationships) we have that could out live us, makes us feel more significant and more happy.

I do not believe in GOD. (maybe this statement is what makes me feel ‘significant’)

I wish to die, NOW.

Some recent talks and incidents around me :

• A gentleman in his mid fifties; goes merrily to the park for his every day routine morning walk. While in his routine, some unknown thing happens inside his heart; the medical terminology terms it as a heart stroke.  He passes away. All that he might have planned to do on that day after the walk remains undone.
• A young lad, barely 21 graduates and receives his engineering degree. A hint of relaxation coupled with a whiff of anxiety; dreaming about his future he returns to his native. The chap loved biking. It was the 3rd day after his graduation and his mind must have been filled with  lots of plans as to what choice of job and/or further education would ensure him a secure future. Like any routine evening he sets off on his bike to roam around. His bike hits a passing car, he skids, hits the road and some thing unknown happens inside his skull; the medical terminology terms it as a severe hemorrhage and skull fracture. He does not survive to reach hospital. All his faint thoughts and loose plans about his ‘tomorrow’ remains undone.
• An elderly lady, an octogenarian , lives with her son and his family. Reasonably healthy she passes on each day performing the basics that the body requires. A very secured life she has. All possible eventualities (mostly) can be taken care by her son. She does not have much to look forward too. There is nothing left for her to hope. All that routine hopes of  ‘seeing your grand children and great grand children’ are also satisfied. Her days go by and she awaits…
• A couple, in their early sixties. Childless, they live on their own. Economic struggles over past one- one and half decade have taken the gleam out of their eyes. They have  in their banks a sum lying which is taking care of their survival. However to secure the eventualities that might confront them; which is quite plausible; they live frugally. The intelligence of planning for security is making them save their capital. Eventually when they would not be mortal the beneficiaries would be the ones who have no great connection with them. The couple however are feeling reasonably secured today.
• He’s in his early thirties. Started his employment career pretty early in life. Tried his hand in all sorts of employment options, but almost every now and them he finds himself jobless. What has he earned over these years? – dunno; but he lost something precious over these years of ensuring-employment-planning. That precious something is his passion and skill for music. Even the tangible remains of his passion viz. the equipment does not exist any more. He’s still searching for that breakthrough employment that shall secure the rest of his life.

These are not one-off or rare examples. Millions exist who fall close  to either of this situations. The point I am trying to make is “Are we living for something?” or we just “Dying for nothing?” To make it more narrower “Are we living or dying?”

I believe that Life is the duration between two accidents namely Birth and Death. If that is the case, there is no way anyone can secure / control this duration. It is absolutely out of bounds. If the first accident namely Birth has occurred it is a mandate that the second accident namely Death has to occur. That is it. But no one that I know (including my own self) want to believe this simple fact. And hence may be this entire cycle of securing and fear fullness occurs. We are out to secure something which is impossible and we know that, and hence we are in constant fear. And we double that fear by making hectic choices ,which generally speaking, take care of our insecurity. Short lived that they are, to keep us in a continuous and unending struggle towards death.

You go to school to find a decent employment. You take up a job to settle down and marry. You marry to secure your need for companionship in later years. You have kids so that you have someone to inherit your crap. You retire because you have collected enough money by now. And now you wait for life to end because maybe now the world around considers you useless. The society has made a template; and we all download this template into our lives and rut accordingly. And so most people alive are already dead!

Why can’t one go to school just to study and learn? Why can’t one take up a job that s/he’s good at or simply enjoys doing it? Why can’t one find companionship without marriage? Why can’t one have kids if they really wish to rear a life, otherwise don’t? Why do you have to leave stuff for someone to inherit? Why the hell should anyone retire ? If retirement is all one was waiting for , why the hell were they working for all these years? Why is it that we equate our worth to the money we are generating or have already generated?

The moment one becomes conscious of his/her existence the only choice s/he makes is to secure/control tomorrow. In spite of being witness to thousands of incidents where a dying person has left all his/her plans undone, we simply reject that reality. In our entire lifetimes we hardly have even a day when we can pronounce boldly that THIS IS HOW I WOULD BE IF TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE.

WHY so?

The only reason I could see is we are all so fearful of END. The manner in which we are programmed we are made to feel that END is bad.Fear it.  And so dumb we are, that out of the fear of END we hardly ever begin. We never begin to LEARN!(all we want is a degree) We never really pursue a hobby?(all we want is a job)We never really fall in love? (marriage is available) We never really begin a venture we believe in?(failures are not acceptable) and WE NEVER REALLY BEGIN TO LIVE! ( as death is always around the corner)

I wish to die now! Die not to end, but to begin. Die in order to live and not just survive. Die with fear so as to live without any fear. Instead of dying every moment until death, Die now!. Die now so as to awaken to life. A life full of love and passion, a life where I work to ‘do’ something and not to ‘become’ something, a life to find myself, a life to know myself, a life just to live.

For this, I wish to die, NOW.

Pigeon in my mind.

Been long since I am posting. What have I been up to? Well, the answer is absolutely nothing.

Had been entangled in dilemmas. Unorganized to the core. A lot of new experiences are generating a lot of new emotions. Never been so conscious of my existence. Stuck up in duality. Unaware as to when I am faking and when I am not. The line between real and unreal is blurred.

A constant faze clouding my mind..a continuous flutter of thoughts in my mind…as if there’s a PIGEON IN MY MIND.

(click on the image to enlarge)

Quotable Quotes #2

Adding some more to the earlier list……

Phrases, sentences, quotes….words that express my attitude towards love and life.

Love when makes u give up on your  sensory expectations becomes a SURRENDER; whereas when love begins to control your senses it becomes an INDULGENCE!

When u ask for yourself it is a favour, and wen u ask for those whom you love it becomes a prayer!

The amount of tears wiped by the smiles is the true measure of a relationship!

I enjoy fantasy. The one problem with fantasy is I can never really take u along. In that regard I don’t really need you to reach there.

Time n distance are highly perceptive, the real thing is the feeling and emotion!

Every laugh is not a medicine!!!

One has to travel that distance to realise that it was just a mirage!!!

You will feel stuck up only when you trying to move; whenever u feel stuck don’t panic, rather enjoy d fact that you are moving on!

I am a mere reflection of the many selves that I meet and interact with! I AM NOT WAT I AM!

The thing worse than being hated, is to prove that u love.

Lies are accepted, truth is doubted!

Life is mandatory while living  is voluntary. You can always decide whether to smile or to crib!

Acceptance is the stepping stone to tranquility…..goddamn I can’t accept my own statement too

The fear is not of the unknown that is going to come, rather the fear is of the fear that the known is going to go!

Have you ever wondered that most, if not all, means of our happiness, knowingly or unknowingly, are at someone’s cost.

The problems like sunray pass through your dewdrop like smile and form a rainbow in a rather placid sky like me!!!!

Every creation/new realisatn is preceded by pain…n m in pain!!!

Earlier-”a person is known by the s/he keeps”; now – “a person is known by the brand s/he wears”

A relation is like a car : gear changes, speed alters, one or both the passengers can get off, leave d car and jus walk away, push it off the cliff, maintain it, service it to keep it running smoothly; there is  just one big difference UNLIKE A CAR A RELATION DOESN’T HAVE REVERSE GEAR!!!

Truth is Wat i feel! My behavior is a natural manifestation of my feelings! The manifestations/expressions may be likely or unlikely to the one they get manifested upon! All I want to say is know what’s true!

Guilt is a psychological aberration that ensures conformity.

Anything created by heart will always be loved and all the changes that occur in the world will accommodate it; whereas not following your heart will only produce shit, and it will always be discarded!

The only way to know the truth is to lie

Ironies of life

#1 – In order to reach farther, we miss out on whats closer.

# 2 : We don’t value what we have, we tend to value only what we don’t have.

# 3 : We stand up for national anthem, but we cheat on paying taxes; whereas we spend a fortune on education, but never stand up for our teachers!!!!! (happy teachers day!)

#4 – We always choose illusion over reality,irony is we do not know which is which!

Wanting to be with someone is love, not being with that someone is life, while being with someone in spite of not wanting to is reality!

Soulmate – as i see

u = me

There is something about this term which has always intrigued me. It is definitely a very romantic and dramatic kind of a term, used generally to denote intimate relationships. The subjectivity of the term makes it almost impossible to develop any specific definition of the term. Having said that the term is widely used in popular literature and also by people to express their love.

Like any other human I too have my share of beautiful intimate relations. But never could I figure out where to fit in the term ‘soulmate’.

For some reason I have been in a mode of introspection since past couple of days.  Today, also happens to be my mom’s 60th birthday. All of these lead me to a whole gamut of thoughts. Two very striking instances of my early childhood mildly surfaced over my anxious mind.

#1 Very faint visuals of this incidence exist in my mind. I must not be more than 10.  Must be in my 3rd or 4th grade. My schedule of those days was – leave for school in the school rickshaw at around 11 and to return at half past 5 in the evening. Now, it had so happened that I was so very used to the fact that whenever I reach home back, my mom has to be there to greet me. To an extent that I had made it compulsory for her. Even if she had some work some errands to run, she had to be at home when I arrive. I would not buy any damn reason for her to be not there when I come back home. She always obliged; except once.

One fine day, as I reach home, I didn’t see her at home. Must have been some unmanageable work, but that didn’t concern me. Not having her to greet me was enough to make me go in an outburst. I shouted,  I cried like mad, I wouldn’t listen to my ba, did not drink my evening ka milk(a routine I loved)…. I ran around the whole house…threw every arranged thing awry…cushions, diaries, spoons…whatever I could lay my hands on I just threw all of it around. Nothing could contain me.(mind you I was a pretty calm and shy kind of a kid. Not the short tempered naughty one, so this wasn’t any ways near to my normal behaviour) I would not even take out my shoes with her not around. At the end of my outburst when all my energy was drained I climbed atop a cabinet. The cabinet was in front of our apartment door. I could see whoever entered, but the person entering would have to strain his/her neck to see atop. Inshort that was my hide out. And I sat there waiting for my mom to come and search for me. Wanting her to go through that wait to see me. I kept crying.

All of this lasted for about an hour; that is when my mom returned home. She immediately inquired about me; ba already gives her a gist of all that had happened. She finds me. I get angry at her and cry a lot. She promises to never do this again. As far as I remember or until it mattered to me, this never occurred again.

#2 This is a few years later. I must be in my teen. The early teen period. By now I has started going to school on my bicycle. The schedule was same. I left home every day at 11.15am. I was a bit grown up now. I could go and come on my own; is what I had started believing. In those days going to school was the only routine pursuit, and I had come to a stage when I managed the logistics of it on my own. However there was this new compulsory thing that had developed.

Our block was at the end of the entire compound of the society.  From the front balcony of our apartment, the entire compound and the gates of the society were visible. Now everyday as I leave on my bicycle, it was mandatory for my mom to stand in the balcony and wave at me until I go out-of-her sight. I used to literally check it many a times by coming back to see if she’s still standing there. So she had to stand in the balcony 3-4 minutes even after I am out-of-sight.

I remember that once or twice it so happened that I saw her turn back while I was crossing the gates. That sight of – seeing her back when the ‘grown up’ me was leaving on his own for his pursuit- was something I could not handle. That visual stayed with me the whole day and for such a lame reason  I did not concentrate on my classes and remained out-of-mood. As I reached home I shared this with my mom. She tried to explain but I was not to listen. I did not want to buy any of her argument. All she can do was to agree, and she did. And as long as it mattered, I don’t remember this happening barring this one of two times.

She was a mother. I do not know how she took this irrationality and possessiveness and ego of her child. But I can speak for myself. I loved this element of the relation. Today it seems laughable, irrational, childish, stubborn etc. But then that is what connected us. Today, when I am and independent adult, yet she would be at peace only when she knows I have had my meals and that I am doing fine. But the fact remains that she was a MOTHER. And I knew it and so I would put all the mandatory measures to express my feelings for her.

Family remains your circle of  life till a certain age and time. Its like every bird has to fly from the nest. Not necessarily in geographical connotation but in psychological connotation. As one grows the pursuits start becoming much more complex. It is no more just going to school. A lot of economic, academic, professional and emotional pursuits occupy our lives. Amidst these we meet a lot of people. Some of them with whom we get close – we call them friends, some of them with whom we get personal – we call them best friends, to one we make commitment – we call them husband or wife and so on and so forth.

I am going through the same cycle. I have friends, colleagues, acquaintances, peers, loved ones, best friends so on and so forth. Each one having its own distinct space.

After all the introspection I realised something which I was totally unaware of.  I realised that somewhere I am still the same. The laughable, irrational, childish, emotional  and stubborn kid does come alive somewhere.

Inspite of that person not being my mother, I still put in weird expectations, mandatoriness and super irrational behaviour. We all do it with someone or may be with a few people where the irrational us manifests. Amidst the maddening clutter and tons of people that we come across it is with that one or few that we become childish.  Don’t know whether this holds true for all, but for me it surely does.

Any relation which is beyond mere sensory pleasures, you can call them your soulmate. The  example of mother justifies that, though I am possessive about her; the relation is not for sensory pleasures. It is that and beyond that.

And that person, who becomes my mother and makes me a kid and vice versa; that person who  I  bump into when I am not searching is the one I would like to call my SOULMATE.

Esoterica : One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

‘Permanentisation’

Among temporariness we seek permanence. The entire society collectively seeks this. Hence generally most temporary events or incidences are labeled anti-social.

Some examples to explain :

#1 : Take the case of inter gender attraction/liking ; suppose A likes B  person..A’s entire efforts would be to ‘permanentise’ the whole equation with B through ‘marriage’

If B has a thing for one night stands or flings…A’s gonna label B with some anti-social name.

Marriage is legal while Prostitution is illegal. The point is they both exist.

# 2 : Same holds true for any relation. Every relation is a method to make that temporary contact permanent. Friendship, soul mates, love, ‘you like my brother’…’you like my sister’ etc. are just means to seek permanence.

Ever wondered that new close inter gender friendships are rare post marriage. Reason being one cannot seek permanence any more, if they do…it generally becomes anti-social.

Formalities are acceptable while limitless indulgent relationships are not. However they both do exist.

# 3 : Being drunk and behaving a little rowdy on some Saturday night, is a youngsters temporary behaviour. That young guy or gal could be as sincere as anyone else otherwise. If at all a cop finds that person in that temporary state of being rowdy on the street, that might just get termed as ‘anti-social’. But than the society tends to ‘permanentise’ this phenomenon by providing pubs/discs, basically places to be rowdy!!

Pubbing is legal while Drinking in public place is anti social. They both exist.

#4 : Construction / blockage of any kind on a public road is illegal. But a shabby temple existing in d middle of the road is legal. The same temple came into existence as a temporary structure but than if it manages to permanentise itself, by means of faith, wish – full fill fundas, then it becomes socially acceptable.

#5 : In legal parlance Begging is a crime, its illegal. Even the society considers it as a malice. But then we have ‘permanentised’ it in various manners like subsidies, interest free loans, charitable donations, favours etc.

Accepting charity is legal, while begging is a social issue. They both exist.

# 6 : Over a horizon of  few centuries our existence is very temporary. Yet individually and even collectively we are oriented to ‘permanentise’ our lives.

Superman is acceptable while a ‘devdas’ is not socially acceptable. Both are our fantasies, but one of them is termed ‘anti social’.

I can go on and on with such examples. At this point I wish to make it clear that the idea is not ‘society bashing’. Even at very individual level this behaviour occurs. Rather it starts from the individual before it becomes a collective social phenomenon.

The question that comes up is why this happens?

I think it is basic human nature to seek permanence. Reason being the feelings of fear, insecurity and jealousy are so strong that the only way out for an individual is to ‘permanentise’.

So be it. All that I would comment is just not look down upon all that is  ‘anti social’. Its just a different perspective. And more importantly one never knows when it would be ‘permanentised’ !!!

Note : Nothing really is permanent. A permanent state is theoritical. It cannot exist. But the orientation to seek permanence, the idea of feeling secured with what is permanent is real. To describe this orientation as a cognitive process I could not find any word. So the term ‘PERMANENTISE’.

It currently does not have a dictionary meaning.

PS : The thoughts expressed is not an attempt to make a statement on human behaviour. This is just a perspective of an individual called me and that perspective too is temporary. Each situation described above can be viewed from different angles and new fundas can be created. Keep this in mind else the point will be missed.

Quotable Quotes.

At various points in time, one gets into a variety of situations which are unique and distinct from each other. At such points, while I am going through some certain experience, a flash of thought occurs in mind. Its like a a sudden spark of realisation, an articulation that happens within a blink, on its own; which later when I think of, seems profound.

Off late I had started collecting those sparks that have occured to me during varied emotional states. As I was going through them, even I could not remember as to under what influence I might have thought of them. But in itself they are complete and an interesting read.

Thought to share it here.

“Time is the only healer they say; but then time is the only killer too!!!!!!!!”

“Why do we behave differently on receiving and on giving the same thing? While receiving we take it for granted; just don’t care – but while giving we want the receiver to not take it for granted!!!!!”

They say that “don’t just say, but do”; I say “don’t say, just because you do!!”

“Your heart is calling you with every beat, waitin’ for you to take the call!!!”

“I may not get noticed. I may not be heard. I may not be felt. I may get isolated. I may never be embraced. I may end up being a dream that you never remember on waking up. But let me tell you (life), I will never give up.”

“If in the end animal instinct rules; why the hell  this pressure to be human????”

“It’s amazing to know that you see love with your eyes closed!”

“Life is lived in moments, and those moments live with u forever.”

“Some things are just not meant to be, more than life screwing us…its us screwing us!!!!!”

“It does not matter whether I am ok or not; it does not matter whether I am there or not; the only thing that matters is that, I  remain alive in your thoughts always!!”

“Sometimes everything is not enough. Having enough might still keep you deficient. And most of the times the deficiency is just perceptive. All that it means is that ignorance is a reality. But this reality is painful. And your only chance to remain happy is to go through all the pain. Alas that chance is just a hope!”

“Disorderliness is the precedent for every new order!”

“The source of smile and tears is always the same. Now I realize what GOD’s meant when they said, neither be too happy with something nor be too sad at something. But then I am just a lesser mortal. And so shedding a few tears for those bright smiles is absolutely ok!”

“There are no sins, only mistakes!”

“Fear creates doubt, fearlessness generates inquisitiveness. A method wherein trust and love are employed, rather than rankings and punishments is what I would want from my school”

“Alas! if I was taught ‘meanings’ first and than the words, may be than I would have ‘lived’ first and searched for ‘meanings’ (of life) later.”

“Why is it that most of us while ‘being good’ are generally not ‘being honest’????”

“WORDS if honest become a reflection of self; if dishonest they become a camouflage for self.”

“Often, in every endeavour, there comes a point when you tend to question your belief, you tend to revisit all that you were once passionate for; my contention is, what should be the basis of my choice at such a point??”

“Respect + gratefulness + consideration + humility = love… rest all is gimmickry”

“Why is it that what we live with is of least concern, while we cannot live for what we are truly concerned!?”

“The more importance you give to yourself, the more you are able to respect others. The more you see yourself, more satisfying your endeavors will be. Self – aware is what you become, Self-centered is what others will think that you have become.”

“If life’s a software application, and we all logged in, than shouldn’t there be a choice of ‘log out’!”

“Sometimes the best way to get is to give up!”

Quote at will.

Clock.

Late night, yesterday, it was pretty nice and windy; first signs of monsoons in the city. Bewildered and bemused (that’s how I reach home every night ) I enter home. Locked the door, entered the living room; there’s this lone clock which hangs on one of the four walls of the living room. To inform myself of the time, I glance at the wall clock. The two hands were parted by a very narrow distance with shorter hand on 1.

Even after registering the time, I kept looking at the clock. It occurred to me, I HAVE BECOME A CLOCK; mechanical, time bound, boring and not in control of my own movement. This feeling angered me. It filled me with lot of anguish. Irritated, I move towards my room, put on the lamp, undress, lie on the bed, with clock on my mind. Slowly I get into thoughts, the angry feeling subsided and I was able to delve deeper.

Two interesting and very distinct aspects about the nature of clock are, 1 – The clock is not aware of time, it just keeps ticking. It does not know that by ticking it serves the purpose of keeping time for the world. The clock is unaware of the concept of time. And 2 – It never would favor anyone nor would be against anyone. It is the perception of the time-keepers who judge whether TIME favored them or not. To the clock this notion just doesn’t exist.

We too are like clock. We really do not know what purpose all our actions serve to the world or to the people who matter. Even if one wants to, there is no way to estimate the effect of ones actions or deeds. Just keep on doing what you think is right at that moment.

But we are humans, who are gifted with intelligence coupled with emotions. We cannot be as inanimate as the clock. So while we are ‘ticking’, we tend to question ourselves, and doubt ourselves. We bother for the ‘purposefulness’ of the being.

Thinkers, Spiritual leaders, and Philosophical thoughts they all boil down to one simple understanding that “YOUR ONLY WEALTH IS YOUR CURRENT HEART BEAT, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT YOU CAN HOLD. SO DO NOT WASTE TIME WORRYING – NEITHER ABOUT BYGONES NOR ABOUT FORECASTS. INSTEAD, LIVE THE MOMENT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS ILLUSIONARY.”

In short just KEEP TICKING.

This message comes to us a thousand times via sms forwards, email forwards or some self-help authors or through quotes printed in Sunday newspaper. We all read it, share it, forward it and talk about it. But never even try to understand it, never even attempt to practice it. I belong to the same lot.

This proves that I am not like a clock at least in quality 1. Rather than just ticking I constantly keep bugging myself my questioning and doubting.

Probing further I also realized that the source of our anguish or joy is completely dependent on the response of others on our deeds rather than those deeds itself being the source. We thrive on the perceptions and judgments of people around and we do the same to others. Under the excuse of relationship, responsibilities, expectations, favors etc. we lose out on focusing on the act, the ‘ticking’. I belong to this lot too.

This proves that I am not like clock on the quality 2 point also. A clock ticks unaware of the perceptions of the people around, whereas my behavior is exactly opposite to that of the clock’s.

Being like a clock is not about becoming mechanical or boring neither it is about the sense of losing control nor being bound. These are just the notions that I derive from the judgments of the world around. No body, including our own selves, would know the eventuality of our deeds. The impact of our being on others varies from individual to individual. Being like a clock is about being aware that we are unaware.

Suddenly my eyes open. It took a few moments before I could realize that I was asleep since long. The lamp was still on, but  it looked a lot faded. That told me that its almost dawn. It is the sunlight coming through the window panes, which in turn is making the lamp look pale. Alas, the ‘light’ of the night is now merely a bulb mistakenly kept on!!!!

I found I was holding to the mobile in one hand, I look into the screen, it had a half written message in it. My eyes than move on the bottom right corner of the mobile screen, the time was 6:30. I get up, put on my bed wear, quench my dried throat, smile and go to bed again. Get up after a sleep of another 2 hours. While I get into the morning routine my mind started taking stock of all I thought I had thought.

Now, I wish I become a clock. I really wish that I enjoy my every ‘tick’.

With this I  wish ‘gdday’ !

Fragrance.

I was standing there; right there.  Unruly winds were blowing towards me, as if wanting to tear me apart. It seemed as if I have become porous. Winds seemed to be passing right through my skin. No one was around. No one was watching me. Quite possible that I have just left them way behind, not too sure, or maybe they left me mid-way. But what I knew for sure is that I only had one person with me; just one. That person was me.

I looked up and saw a dusky crimson sky, clouds hovering all around like wild untamed horses. Their movement was so brisk, as if a child is running towards his mother. At that moment it seemed as if the clouds had life in them.  I looked left, then right and then straight, stretching my sight to see the farthest visible point. All I could see was a thin line where blues and greens merged. Panorama of a faint looking horizon is what I was watching. Vast green expanses meeting the mighty blue sky at some unknown point called horizon. It all looked faded. But it surely looked beautiful. To be frank, it was soothing, very soothing. It is this sight that held me from falling against the unbridled winds.

Really cannot say how much time I might have had spent standing there. The tone of crimson had changed a few gradations and now it looked almost red, very dark red. All this time, while standing there I did not do one particular thing. I did not look down. I didn’t even try. I just stood there gazing, gazing straight towards nowhere. What the hell was I thinking? My mind was racing, my heart pounding. But gradually I was calming. From anxiety to aggression I had by now become expressionless; dry and insipid. Thousands of pictures of people and events were criss-crossing my mind – a few portraits of past and a few landscapes of future. But as I stood there at that unknown place, slowly the vision of my eyes took over the sights of my mind. All I saw then was red skies. The tension gradually had started relieving me. Eventually I decide to look down, look below my feet.

It’s said that the fear is of unknown. If, something unexpected suddenly pops up in front of you, the reflex is your eyes would immediately get shut. But I knew what was below. I knew what I was not looking at. I feared what was known to me. By now I had taken the decision to look below. Finally, rather aimlessly, with disillusioned eyes, I stoop down. At that very moment a bright streak of white light flashed. As if some one had lighted the bulb in a red lighted room, a flash of white splashed on the reds around. This was immediately followed by a loud thunderous sound. A sound, so strident, it filled the entire expanse around me. It didn’t take time for me to realize that the wild clouds have now clashed leading to the eventuality of lightning and thunder.

By now I was staring down. From what was visible all that I could see was a feeling of motion. Huge expanse of water flowing. I was only able to feel the movement of that expanse. Must be a large stream or a flowing river, couldn’t really distinguish. That is when I realized the distance between the water below and the piece of land I was standing on. That feeling of being so much distant from what I was seeing below startled me. It struck me like a thunder bolt. This moment is what I feared. I knew what I was going to see, I had estimated the height of where I was standing, but when I actually dared to look at it, is when the truth hit me.

We all have our own perceptions about ourselves and the world around. We all have varied imaginations and beliefs which govern our lives. We all have our versions of dream. We all live in a world of our own. I did too. As we live, some moments come, which pierce the bubble of fantasy around us. Like a sharp arrow moving to kill, reality breaks in and kills the fantasy.

Until this moment the depth on which I was standing existed only in my imagination. One look down and I realized the magnitude of the depth. A lot of misty air blocked my view down. The height at which I was standing seemed much farther than the horizon I was staring a few breathes before.  I was standing on a rock, a dark grey rock, stuck in the last piece of land before the bottomless fall. Yes I was on the edge of a cliff. Traveling from somewhere, which my mind did not wish to think about now, I had reached this last piece of land which was nowhere. I was staring at the fall of about a few miles. One step forward, and it would take me to eternity.

My mind started racing again. The heart started pounding again. The visions of my mind again took over the sights of my eyes. I could see myself falling. Saw myself falling deep down, in this bottomless valley. I could literally feel the gravity pulling me towards it. And my face was smiling. I never realized why I smiled then. Alas, I would never know it either. As this was what my mind was showing me, this is not what I had done.

And I look towards horizon again. But I couldn’t see it. I could absolutely see nothing. How could I, it was raining. The water from the skies filled all that I could see. Every space around me was filled with pouring rains. All this while, I never could realize that it is raining.  Such is the effect when one faces reality. Grim is reality. I turn back and see a faint visual of deep woods being drenched in the rain. I faced two choices – either to fall or to turn back and trace my way back. I guess I was still expressionless. Once in a while a mild taste of salt informed me that I had tears. I took a few deep breaths, no count of it, my feet firmed on the rock I was standing on, and my fingers turned into fists and I get surrounded by my voice,

“This is not the end and this is not the beginning. You never arrived and so you never could return. The fall would lead to an end that you don’t want and the return journey will take you to the same places you have already been. Do not limit your life within choices.

Do not believe that life is about duality. Selecting one takes you away from other -  is a very narrow view on life. Life lies in the expanse amidst those choices. You manifest in every thing that you do. And in every damn choice that you make, however useless it may be, you can always be you. The weather may not belong to the flower, but the fragrance always does. All you need to do is find your fragrance. It already exists; you are just being insensitive towards it, and unaware too. Today, I give you a very simple solution. Whenever in doubt, close your eyes, and tell me your doubts. Follow what I choose for you and move ahead vigorously.

Always trust me, ‘coz I am you.”

A few moments passed away. I glanced around. It was pitch dark. The skies had ceased crying. On their own my feet start moving. Effortlessly and aimlessly I move towards a non-existent choice. I venture into a brand new direction. Not just for the sake of ‘new’, but because that is where myself was directing me. The darkness did not touch me anymore; my strides grew stronger and I tread to reclaim my life.

Some definitions.

Over last 3 decades,  life has played a hell lot of games with me. Let me tell you I have had a ball(mostly )  In hindsight many things seem unreal, rather it seems as if it were all a dream. But from all of the experiences that I went through, and still going through, all the things that I did, all the things that  I was made to do, all that I resisted and all that I could never resist, all that is known about me and from all that is not known – all of these combine to create someone called ME. And its a continuum. Unending. Like a potters wheel. One may never know what the final shape of the pot will be, until the wheel stops. Similarly, I believe that, until the wheel of life stops, there won’t be any status quo.

Based on what I have absorbed, here are some definitions (as of now) on a few things of life.  My choice making is based on these definitions or perceptions, whatever sounds better, of mine. And they are ever changing.

Here they are :

Life :  The duration between two accidents namely, Birth and Death.

Love: Absolute indulgence.

Hatred : Stupid indulgence.

God : Mankind’s greatest invention.

Dreams : “Dreams are what you never can become.” and “Dream is an sms from you to you.”

Luck : “Its that something which gets you through when you didn’t expect to; and when  its absent it wont let you through even though you are all sure n prepared!”

Society : A camouflage. Every one finds their own suitable hide out and then stay put.

Marriage : A societal arrangement, to bind the two genders of homo sapiens, and throw them in a maze of unending triviality, a trivia of purposes, fears, hopes and insecurities.

If absent, it can completely shatter the societal structure. Because that would lead to sans the purpose of most men/women’s life.

The way to rise above the walls of this maze is to find  a strong purpose for oneself.

( will write a piece on this some time)

Prayer : A means to experience surreal.

Morals : Man made hurdles. Winner is the one who use them to his/her advantage.

Crime : A signal that after all we are all animals.

Innovation : eg. Snooze…the greatest innovation.

Patriotism : Forced religion.

Tears : The response of the body when one is able to stretch out of one’s own inhibitions. This state is mostly momentary.

Goodness : Just another vocation.

Greatness : Crossing the expectations of  the people around.

History : Manufactured truth.

Truth : What you believe in is what you consider to be true.

PS : Those who liked the definitions don’t be too happy, and those who didn’t like them, don’t be too furious. Coz by the time we bump into each other, most of it might just have changed!!!! (potters wheel, remember )