Clock.

Late night, yesterday, it was pretty nice and windy; first signs of monsoons in the city. Bewildered and bemused (that’s how I reach home every night ) I enter home. Locked the door, entered the living room; there’s this lone clock which hangs on one of the four walls of the living room. To inform myself of the time, I glance at the wall clock. The two hands were parted by a very narrow distance with shorter hand on 1.

Even after registering the time, I kept looking at the clock. It occurred to me, I HAVE BECOME A CLOCK; mechanical, time bound, boring and not in control of my own movement. This feeling angered me. It filled me with lot of anguish. Irritated, I move towards my room, put on the lamp, undress, lie on the bed, with clock on my mind. Slowly I get into thoughts, the angry feeling subsided and I was able to delve deeper.

Two interesting and very distinct aspects about the nature of clock are, 1 – The clock is not aware of time, it just keeps ticking. It does not know that by ticking it serves the purpose of keeping time for the world. The clock is unaware of the concept of time. And 2 – It never would favor anyone nor would be against anyone. It is the perception of the time-keepers who judge whether TIME favored them or not. To the clock this notion just doesn’t exist.

We too are like clock. We really do not know what purpose all our actions serve to the world or to the people who matter. Even if one wants to, there is no way to estimate the effect of ones actions or deeds. Just keep on doing what you think is right at that moment.

But we are humans, who are gifted with intelligence coupled with emotions. We cannot be as inanimate as the clock. So while we are ‘ticking’, we tend to question ourselves, and doubt ourselves. We bother for the ‘purposefulness’ of the being.

Thinkers, Spiritual leaders, and Philosophical thoughts they all boil down to one simple understanding that “YOUR ONLY WEALTH IS YOUR CURRENT HEART BEAT, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT YOU CAN HOLD. SO DO NOT WASTE TIME WORRYING – NEITHER ABOUT BYGONES NOR ABOUT FORECASTS. INSTEAD, LIVE THE MOMENT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS ILLUSIONARY.”

In short just KEEP TICKING.

This message comes to us a thousand times via sms forwards, email forwards or some self-help authors or through quotes printed in Sunday newspaper. We all read it, share it, forward it and talk about it. But never even try to understand it, never even attempt to practice it. I belong to the same lot.

This proves that I am not like a clock at least in quality 1. Rather than just ticking I constantly keep bugging myself my questioning and doubting.

Probing further I also realized that the source of our anguish or joy is completely dependent on the response of others on our deeds rather than those deeds itself being the source. We thrive on the perceptions and judgments of people around and we do the same to others. Under the excuse of relationship, responsibilities, expectations, favors etc. we lose out on focusing on the act, the ‘ticking’. I belong to this lot too.

This proves that I am not like clock on the quality 2 point also. A clock ticks unaware of the perceptions of the people around, whereas my behavior is exactly opposite to that of the clock’s.

Being like a clock is not about becoming mechanical or boring neither it is about the sense of losing control nor being bound. These are just the notions that I derive from the judgments of the world around. No body, including our own selves, would know the eventuality of our deeds. The impact of our being on others varies from individual to individual. Being like a clock is about being aware that we are unaware.

Suddenly my eyes open. It took a few moments before I could realize that I was asleep since long. The lamp was still on, but  it looked a lot faded. That told me that its almost dawn. It is the sunlight coming through the window panes, which in turn is making the lamp look pale. Alas, the ‘light’ of the night is now merely a bulb mistakenly kept on!!!!

I found I was holding to the mobile in one hand, I look into the screen, it had a half written message in it. My eyes than move on the bottom right corner of the mobile screen, the time was 6:30. I get up, put on my bed wear, quench my dried throat, smile and go to bed again. Get up after a sleep of another 2 hours. While I get into the morning routine my mind started taking stock of all I thought I had thought.

Now, I wish I become a clock. I really wish that I enjoy my every ‘tick’.

With this I  wish ‘gdday’ !

Fragrance.

I was standing there; right there.  Unruly winds were blowing towards me, as if wanting to tear me apart. It seemed as if I have become porous. Winds seemed to be passing right through my skin. No one was around. No one was watching me. Quite possible that I have just left them way behind, not too sure, or maybe they left me mid-way. But what I knew for sure is that I only had one person with me; just one. That person was me.

I looked up and saw a dusky crimson sky, clouds hovering all around like wild untamed horses. Their movement was so brisk, as if a child is running towards his mother. At that moment it seemed as if the clouds had life in them.  I looked left, then right and then straight, stretching my sight to see the farthest visible point. All I could see was a thin line where blues and greens merged. Panorama of a faint looking horizon is what I was watching. Vast green expanses meeting the mighty blue sky at some unknown point called horizon. It all looked faded. But it surely looked beautiful. To be frank, it was soothing, very soothing. It is this sight that held me from falling against the unbridled winds.

Really cannot say how much time I might have had spent standing there. The tone of crimson had changed a few gradations and now it looked almost red, very dark red. All this time, while standing there I did not do one particular thing. I did not look down. I didn’t even try. I just stood there gazing, gazing straight towards nowhere. What the hell was I thinking? My mind was racing, my heart pounding. But gradually I was calming. From anxiety to aggression I had by now become expressionless; dry and insipid. Thousands of pictures of people and events were criss-crossing my mind – a few portraits of past and a few landscapes of future. But as I stood there at that unknown place, slowly the vision of my eyes took over the sights of my mind. All I saw then was red skies. The tension gradually had started relieving me. Eventually I decide to look down, look below my feet.

It’s said that the fear is of unknown. If, something unexpected suddenly pops up in front of you, the reflex is your eyes would immediately get shut. But I knew what was below. I knew what I was not looking at. I feared what was known to me. By now I had taken the decision to look below. Finally, rather aimlessly, with disillusioned eyes, I stoop down. At that very moment a bright streak of white light flashed. As if some one had lighted the bulb in a red lighted room, a flash of white splashed on the reds around. This was immediately followed by a loud thunderous sound. A sound, so strident, it filled the entire expanse around me. It didn’t take time for me to realize that the wild clouds have now clashed leading to the eventuality of lightning and thunder.

By now I was staring down. From what was visible all that I could see was a feeling of motion. Huge expanse of water flowing. I was only able to feel the movement of that expanse. Must be a large stream or a flowing river, couldn’t really distinguish. That is when I realized the distance between the water below and the piece of land I was standing on. That feeling of being so much distant from what I was seeing below startled me. It struck me like a thunder bolt. This moment is what I feared. I knew what I was going to see, I had estimated the height of where I was standing, but when I actually dared to look at it, is when the truth hit me.

We all have our own perceptions about ourselves and the world around. We all have varied imaginations and beliefs which govern our lives. We all have our versions of dream. We all live in a world of our own. I did too. As we live, some moments come, which pierce the bubble of fantasy around us. Like a sharp arrow moving to kill, reality breaks in and kills the fantasy.

Until this moment the depth on which I was standing existed only in my imagination. One look down and I realized the magnitude of the depth. A lot of misty air blocked my view down. The height at which I was standing seemed much farther than the horizon I was staring a few breathes before.  I was standing on a rock, a dark grey rock, stuck in the last piece of land before the bottomless fall. Yes I was on the edge of a cliff. Traveling from somewhere, which my mind did not wish to think about now, I had reached this last piece of land which was nowhere. I was staring at the fall of about a few miles. One step forward, and it would take me to eternity.

My mind started racing again. The heart started pounding again. The visions of my mind again took over the sights of my eyes. I could see myself falling. Saw myself falling deep down, in this bottomless valley. I could literally feel the gravity pulling me towards it. And my face was smiling. I never realized why I smiled then. Alas, I would never know it either. As this was what my mind was showing me, this is not what I had done.

And I look towards horizon again. But I couldn’t see it. I could absolutely see nothing. How could I, it was raining. The water from the skies filled all that I could see. Every space around me was filled with pouring rains. All this while, I never could realize that it is raining.  Such is the effect when one faces reality. Grim is reality. I turn back and see a faint visual of deep woods being drenched in the rain. I faced two choices – either to fall or to turn back and trace my way back. I guess I was still expressionless. Once in a while a mild taste of salt informed me that I had tears. I took a few deep breaths, no count of it, my feet firmed on the rock I was standing on, and my fingers turned into fists and I get surrounded by my voice,

“This is not the end and this is not the beginning. You never arrived and so you never could return. The fall would lead to an end that you don’t want and the return journey will take you to the same places you have already been. Do not limit your life within choices.

Do not believe that life is about duality. Selecting one takes you away from other -  is a very narrow view on life. Life lies in the expanse amidst those choices. You manifest in every thing that you do. And in every damn choice that you make, however useless it may be, you can always be you. The weather may not belong to the flower, but the fragrance always does. All you need to do is find your fragrance. It already exists; you are just being insensitive towards it, and unaware too. Today, I give you a very simple solution. Whenever in doubt, close your eyes, and tell me your doubts. Follow what I choose for you and move ahead vigorously.

Always trust me, ‘coz I am you.”

A few moments passed away. I glanced around. It was pitch dark. The skies had ceased crying. On their own my feet start moving. Effortlessly and aimlessly I move towards a non-existent choice. I venture into a brand new direction. Not just for the sake of ‘new’, but because that is where myself was directing me. The darkness did not touch me anymore; my strides grew stronger and I tread to reclaim my life.

Magic of Love!

dedicated to the magicians in my life.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere,

they are in each other all along.

~ Rumi

There are two types of people in the world. Believers and Non-believers.(in GOD)

For Believers everything starts and ends with HIM. For a non-believer everything starts and ends with ME. For a non-believer everything around is just matter and his/her drive is to extract value from that matter. Whereas for a believer GOD exists in matter and s/he perceives life in every particle.  Now, I am not gonna talk about GOD here. But the point I wish to make is that just as in GOD, LOVE is also a belief.

Love is a belief. One can experience it only if one believes in its existence. For a believer LOVE is what connects him/her to other being, whereas for a non believer LOVE is just a word that s/he utilises to connect to other being. For the former LOVE is the end while for the latter ones, LOVE is nothing but a means to reach to a desired end.

I believe in love. Love for me is the metaphor for life. Its a simple emotion, which in worldly matters is so highly dramatized that most of us become weary of it. If truly believed in, this emotion can take you to unknown realms of existence.

For a moment, imagine a world without love. What would happen then? Lust, Greed, Power and Control would take over. I am not denying the existence of this equally powerful and potent emotions. To an extent they rule the world and they define the structure of most societies. But the fact remains that, amidst the jungle of animal instincts there exists a humane society which thrives on an undefined emotion called Love.

How else do you explain a touch which makes you hear the other persons heart beat? How else do you explain that hug which flushes out tears from deep within? How else do you infer the phenomenon whereby seeing someone smile alters your mood? How else does one understand those hours of silences where in you communicate the most? How else do you explain that drive to be good and work hard? How else do you explain that wish to make someone proud? How else…?

It is nothing but the belief in LOVE that would explain such happenings.  It is out of love that amidst all the Greed there still are events of ‘Giving’; amidst all those who lust for power, there still are those who willfully ‘Surrender’;  among all the chaos for control, humility still prevails.

This I believe is the magic…the magic of love! This belief in love is the doorway to many varied moments, love filled moments, magical moments, which alleviates me from my physical being.

And when I look back I only recall those moments. My mind forgets events, forgets occasions, but it fondly remembers these magical – love filled moments.

Never let go any chance of expressing your love, never let go the opportunity to create magic. Just Believe, and the price that you may have to pay will seem futile.

I believe in Magic. The Magic of Love.

“Life exists in moments, and these moments are what stays with you for your entire life”

PS : A few days back I was about to commit a mistake of ‘not doing’ what I wanted to do. I was about to hold back my expressions. But I am glad that my BELIEF was strong. I finally did express what I wanted to express, did it with all the love and joy! And what followed were some unimaginable moments. Moments wherein time and space almost evaporated, I got totally drawn into that wonderful moment of love. Added a few more to my collection of love-filled moments.

Sub-Urban Blues.

Like a school during vacations,

Like a park in autumn,

Like a shop without customer

Like a stranger in the city,

Like a summer night without electricity

Have been so lonely, so empty, so barren…

Like a bus stop at midnight,

Like a river without banks,

Like a cell phone without connectivity,

Like a car out of fuel

Like a bridge without traffic

Have been so lonely, so empty, so barren…

I’m waitin’ for the season to change

I’m waitin’ for the clouds to burst

Nothings left to expect, other than the rains…

Drench me O rain, and wipe my tears, and wipe my tears!

Like a street without light,

Like a temple before the dawn,

Like a leaders bust at crossroads,

Like an elder in a BIG house,

Like diwali at an orphanage

Gone is the vigor and gone is the buzz

Never been so out of words;

I‘m waitin’ for the season to change

I’m waitin’ for the clouds to burst

Nothings left to expect, other than the rains…

Drench me O rain, and wipe my tears, and wipe my tears!

Have never been so lonely, so empty, so barren…

perhaps…

A Friend – as i see.

dedicated to the friend who evoked these emotions in me.

 

Some 1 lakh years ago, somewhere near heaven, a path breaking experiment was on. The entire council of heaven was divided on this new experiment. The experiment had put the existence of 5 innocent people at stake. Amongst all the chaos one man stood strong. HE was the commander–in-chief of the experiment. HE exactly knew what he was doing. He very well knew that the success of this experiment would change the course of the universe.

The experiment was to create an unknown process called ‘life’. Life – as HE saw it was a self sustaining process which once initiated would grow and nourish itself to make universe a better place. A trial of this experiment was on. Five brave people had volunteered to be the part of this trial run. All these five people were put into this process ; were ‘made to live’ as HE described it. The objective was to check all the aspects of the equation of life before it is brought into existence.

 Time was passing on…days, weeks, months, years. All those 5 volunteers were exposed to a variety of emotions and were made to live a mix of intriguing experiences. They were made to cry and  also shown the way to smile; they were made to fall and given opportunities to rise; sorrow and laughter, fear and cheer, dark and light, anger against compassion, greed and lust against sacrifice and dispassion; HE also made them experience the nuances of hatred against love. HE was happy that his theory of duality seemed to be working!

But with passage of time it seemed that the volunteers were draining. Their capacity to match up with the mysticism of life was decreasing. Infact there came a stage when it seemed that the volunteers would not be able to sustain themselves through this vigorous process of ‘life’. HE was under tremendous pressure. His dream called ‘life’ was under major threat.

HE could not accept the failure of his equation. Strong forces were trying to abandon the experiment. Undeterred HE applied his mind, kept working hard – days and night, trying to understand the anomaly of his equation. An anomaly that was leaking the energy from the whole system. Finally HE found an answer. A solution to take care of all the leakages and to make the equation of life successful. HE injected this solution into the system and saw unprecedented success. Immediate improvement in the behaviour of the volunteers. They seemed to have internalized themselves with the ‘environment’ provided to them in the experiment. They had learned to chill, to have fun, to enjoy ‘life’!

Everybody was happy, there were celebrations all over the heaven. Ever since then the equation is still on, the process of life is going continuously without any failures. We all are part of this process and living this ‘equation of life’ created so many years ago. The architect of the system is given great respect in the heaven, even till today.

 HE is now popularly known as GOD.

The five volunteers were : Changu, Chhagan, kanu, Chhako and Babli.

Gods final solution :

HE made a mangu for every changu

A magan for every chhagan,

A manu for every kanu,

A mako for every chhako

And a bunty for every babli.

A friend for every friend.

I Thank God, I found you.

Wished to share this AV of Tiranga Cup.

TIRANGA CUP : cricket tournament organised for the wonderful kids dwelling around the gandhi ashram area of ahmedabad.

The idea is to create an event where in the kids can enjoy a competitive sport and have a funfilled experience preparing for it.

The event is heartfully managed by independent volunteers; who inturn are getting lessons on innocence, love, teamwork, friendship and love filled camaraderie

SOME MOMENTS FROM THAT EXPERIENCE!!!

Communication vs Expression : An explanation

“A disclaimer : I do not write to communicate. Communication is an act one performs for a particular cause or reason. For me the desire is to express my emotions at a particular moment. Thats it.”

Received some interesting comments on the  above mentioned disclaimer that i made in the first blog “HELLO WORLD”.

A friend had a counter view and we had an intersting chat; at the end of which I was able to make the point clear. This might be of interest to others. So i am pasting that chat that i had with her. Here it is :

SHE : y do u want to popularise ur blog? – u not communicating for a cause or reason ?

mihir : look u not gettin it.

SHE : …?

mihir: me writing a mail to u and me writing a blog on u
aint the two things diff?
y or n?

SHE: yes both diff

mihir: rite

SHE: mail is directed to particular person /.blog to all

mihir: so the former is communication and latter is my expression to say somethin about u
it doesnt mean dat latter has to be isolated
dats d difference i was refering to
i write coz i want to express certain emotions or certain incidents….but wen sm one reads it n comments…it motivates me to do it again…….
all arts have this simple psychology behind it
yash chopra makes a movie … ppl like it..so he tries n make another movie…n so on….for him movie is his way to express

SHE: yes got it. agreed too. but then your disclaimer doesnt

mihir: haha

SHE: u in your disclaimer saying tht u r not communicating.. authors, movie directors all are communicating adn so are u:) and thts nice.

mihir: u can have ur opinion….coz every word has diff meaning for diff people

SHE: true..

mihir: dont get stuck to the word ‘communication’……

SHE: ya i think i m doing tht also coz i hv my own defi of communication and feel communication is very imp in life

mihir: even if i remain silent….m communicating….dats not wat d disclaimer says

SHE:  hahha.. i like tht.. “even if i remain silent….m communicating”
never thought of tht b4

mihir: wat m sayin is….m not writing coz i want to say x thing to say Mr Y……..m jus writing….now Mr. Y mite n mite not read it……d primary motive is not to tell smthin to Mr. Y……d motive is just to paint a landscape…a sketch … a painting…..wid the available skill i have

SHE: actually now i m getting it: wht u meant to say in your disclaimer is tht : u r communicating, but not communicating for a purpose or reason.. u r just expressing and leaving it to the reader to extract wht he/she wants to.. like the author leaves it to the imagination of the reader.. whereas first when i read
i read it as u saying u not communicating for reason / cause .. u r just expressing and i was like if just expressing why not in person diary
but i get it now.

mihir: phew!

SHE: or i think so, i do:)

mihir: haha
now u talkin like me
n i like dat

SHE: hahaha:))

Hello world!

Blogging since long was on my to-do list; but then complacence has been doin a bit well against me.

finally….here i come; or should i say here i go!!

As i stretch my memory, and try n think of my earliest expeditions in learning ‘expression arts’ ( jus coined this term); the image of me tryin to learn painting comes to my mind. I tried a lot. A bit later came Music. I tried learning some rhythm instrument called ‘Bongo’, this was followed by congo, followed by guitar, still followed by keyboard. Off late also tried my hand at poetry. A dozen summers, or more, would have passed by while all these expeditions went on.

The fact remains that I learned nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Having said that, at some point in time I realised that – within me is this tremendous urge to express. Which also means that my mind is always brimming with ideas/thoughts (useful or useless , dat i dont care) and there is this compelling desire to express those thoughts and ideas.

What i am trying to say is – Painting, playing music etc. were all various attempts that i made (mostly sub consciously) to express what is within. Now i can’t paint, nor can i make music…but what i can do is WRITE.

Writing is an ‘expression art’ for me; and that is the sole reason for me to write. What a Blog offers to me is  a space to express and share. A painter becomes noteworthy when he is viewed, a music piece is termed popular if its heard by many. In short it is not just about expressing , but the ability to share my expressions is what brings me to Blogging.

A disclaimer : I do not write to communicate. Communication is an act one performs for a particular cause or reason. For me the desire is to express my emotions at a particular moment. Thats it. Hence the chances are that the blog turns out to be esoteric, inconsistent, interesting and may be boring! But the fact would remain that there is no agenda.  It will be highly instinctive and zanny. Wander at your will.

My bLog. mY spAce.My exPressions.